Alright kids. Have a seat. It’s time we talk about an important topic: Running Mania.

Maybe you’ve been lucky and you haven’t experienced this phenomena. But for me, here’s how it goes down: at some point in every run when I’m almost on fumes, my legs go on autopilot and my mind wanders to the silliest, most ludicrous things it can conjure up. Sometimes I go for a jaunt to the Riviera Maya with Trent Reznor. Other times I create resumes for my dream jobs, like the time I wanted to be a roadie for Lit (a highlight from the qualifications section: “Knows how to tune a guitar; STD-free”).

In addition to exotic vacations and dream jobs, I’ve recently found that I have a knack for song parodies. Food-based song parodies, to be exact. And I find the most joy in using solely the songs of my travel partner Trent and his band, Nine Inch Nails.

You see, it all started last month when the following song came on my iPod at mile 3 of a tough 4 miler. The beat, Trent’s grunting, and knowing that there was a big-ass piece of yellow cake with fudge frosting waiting for me at home – well, it all combined for the perfect storm that sent a surge of adrenaline through my veins, and suddenly the chorus made perfect sense (fast forward to around :50 for the joke):

I AM THE “CAKE DESTROYER!!”

Clearly you can see where the rest of this post is headed.

After the chorus, it was just a matter of replacing some of the lyrics with cake-eating-related terms (“I hope they cannot see/the limitless potential/living inside of me/to eat up all the cake”) – and before I knew it, I had created my very first song parody.

A few nights later I discovered that this little ditty could be transformed into a cynical song about a fruity baked good, and I had another creation under my belt: “Blueberry Pie”.

Listen, I never said I was a GOOD song parody writer. But lyrics like “I feel my hunger grow all the more extreme/can you please pass me some vanilla ice cream?/blueberry pie!”… well, they practically write themselves. I’m just a conduit for the muses.

I’ll leave you with the last parody I came up with on a 10K one dark and lonely night. It’s a little bit of a stretch, but hear me out: a song about not wanting to go gluten-free, set to this jam:

“Bread in my hole!/warms up my soul!/I’d rather die!/Than give up my rolls!”

My name is Jess, and I’m a runner who comes up with horrible song parodies like “Bread in My Hole” ::hangs head in shame::

So how about you? Do you have anything that gets you through your long runs? Please tell me I’m not the only special little soul that suffers from Running Mania!